Coast Guard telethon kicks off fundraising season

WASHINGTON — Coast Guard officials are preparing for the looming government shutdown, or “fundraising season” as they now call it, with a celebrity-hosted telethon, sources confirmed today.

“Other Homeland Security agencies are getting ready to furlough their employees, but this year we have multiple funding streams to get us through to the next continuing resolution,” said Coast Guard Commandant, Adm. Karl Schultz. “This telethon is only the beginning. We’re doing bake sales, car washes, and some of the boys are already selling plasma and semen.”

“If things get really bad, we have a plan for an organ selling lottery. You only need one testicle!”

The Coast Guard operates under the Department of Homeland Security and not the Department of Defense, which means the service does not benefit from some of the budgetary exceptions that protect the real branches of the military during government shutdowns. Worse yet, Coast Guardsmen are required to continue trolling the nation's waterways and truck-stop bathrooms without pay for the duration of the shutdown as they are considered essential personnel.

Though officials have not yet disclosed who will host the telethon, insiders say they have narrowed the list to famous fundraisers Sally Struthers, Sarah McLachlan, and Bernie Madoff. Sources say McLachlan’s “In the Arms of an Angel” will play on a loop for the entire 24 hours.

“I really wish Jerry Lewis was still alive,” Schultz said. “He’d parade these simple looking Coasties on stage and the money would just flow in.”

While most Coast Guard families are concerned about making ends meet during the shutdown, many are still thankful for what is most important during these trying times.

“I just thank God our nation’s heroes are still getting paid,” said Coast Guard spouse, Mary Brandanowitz. “The brave women and men of congress sacrifice so much for us.”