Duffel Blog

Share this post

Coast Guard telethon kicks off fundraising season

www.duffelblog.com

Coast Guard telethon kicks off fundraising season

Paul Szoldra
Nov 15, 2019
Share this post

Coast Guard telethon kicks off fundraising season

www.duffelblog.com

WASHINGTON — Coast Guard officials are preparing for the looming government shutdown, or “fundraising season” as they now call it, with a celebrity-hosted telethon, sources confirmed today.

“Other Homeland Security agencies are getting ready to furlough their employees, but this year we have multiple funding streams to get us through to the next continuing resolution,” said Coast Guard Commandant, Adm. Karl Schultz. “This telethon is only the beginning. We’re doing bake sales, car washes, and some of the boys are already selling plasma and semen.”

“If things get really bad, we have a plan for an organ selling lottery. You only need one testicle!”

The Coast Guard operates under the Department of Homeland Security and not the Department of Defense, which means the service does not benefit from some of the budgetary exceptions that protect the real branches of the military during government shutdowns. Worse yet, Coast Guardsmen are required to continue trolling the nation's waterways and tr…

Keep reading with a 7-day free trial

Subscribe to Duffel Blog to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.

Already a paid subscriber? Sign in
Previous
Next
© 2023 Duffel Blog LLC
Privacy ∙ Terms ∙ Collection notice
Start WritingGet the app
Substack is the home for great writing