WASHINGTON — Coast Guard officials are preparing for the looming government shutdown, or “fundraising season” as they now call it, with a celebrity-hosted telethon, sources confirmed today.

“Other Homeland Security agencies are getting ready to furlough their employees, but this year we have multiple funding streams to get us through to the next continuing resolution,” said Coast Guard Commandant, Adm. Karl Schultz. “This telethon is only the beginning. We’re doing bake sales, car washes, and some of the boys are already selling plasma and semen.”

“If things get really bad, we have a plan for an organ selling lottery. You only need one testicle!”

The Coast Guard operates under the Department of Homeland Security and not the Department of Defense, which means the service does not benefit from some of the budgetary exceptions that protect the real branches of the military during government shutdowns. Worse yet, Coast Guardsmen are required to continue trolling the nation's waterways and tr…