Coast Guard unveils 'Maritime Darwinism' policy after getting $2.28 billion budget cut on its birthday

WASHINGTON — The Coast Guard is turning 228 years old today, and Congress is surprising them with a $2.28 billion budget cut in fiscal year 2019. As a result, the Coast Guard will be unveiling a new 'maritime Darwinism' policy to reduce its operational workload.

"I really was hoping for a new heavy icebreaker in 2019," said Adm. Karl Schultz, who assumed his role as Commandant in June 2018. "But a 25% cut to our operations and mission support budget is more than I could have ever hoped for."

Schultz went on to comment that one of his main goals as Commandant is to deploy his strategic priority of reducing search and rescue cases by allowing stupid people to perish at sea.

"This budget cut is just the thing I've been hoping for," said Schultz. "It will allow us to make some true vertical cuts and actively degrade our offshore detection and response capabilities."

Schultz alluded to a notional policy of "tactical ignorance" that the Coast Guard has been working to roll out over the past several years.

Under this policy, search and rescue assets will only respond to what can be seen from shore. The use of advanced radar, communication relays, and other sophisticated sensors will be significantly curtailed, officials said.

"We really want the public to start thinking of us as glorified lifeguards," said Schultz, nodding to a framed picture of David Hasselhoff on his desk.

"If you're a few miles off and need some fuel, no worries, we got your back. But we plan to let natural selection run its course if Joe Boater decides it's a good idea to go 20 miles offshore in his 15 foot center console during a tropical storm. Good luck, buddy!"