New Coast Guard recruiting commercial: 'We don't do PT!'

NORFOLK, Va. — Senior Coast Guard leaders have approved a new advertising campaign designed to increase enlistment numbers, keep up retention rates and encourage other service members to lateral over to the Homeland Security’s premier maritime service, sources confirmed today.

The campaign, called the “We Don’t Have A PT Test” drive, is intended to show that, while all other military branches have strenuous and physically demanding fitness challenges, the Coast Guard just doesn’t have one, officials said.

Airing nationally starting in October 2018, the campaign will include pictures of Coast Guard men and women just sitting around a TV laughing while all other services sweat out their PT tests. Despite the Coast Guard trying at one point to initiate an actual PT test back in 2015, eventually they pulled the idea after realizing it was a motivational factor for people to join their service.

"Professionally the Combat Fitness Test is way too hard for the Coast Guard and just a complete waste of time," said Vice Adm. Carl Chultz, commander of the Coast Guard's Center of Initial Military Training. "Continuing to not work out unless you absolutely have to is a luxury that we are not willing to give up just yet, plus in the long run, we’re going to gain a buttload of new recruits with this incentive."

"Although research and testing claims that being physically fit improves overall lifestyle, it just seems like a huge hassle," said Master Chief Petty Officer of the Coast Guard Jason M. Vanderhaden. "All the other services have a PT test and where did that get them? We’re still able to perform our job without some silly high school push-up challenge for jocks."

Roughly 87,569 men and women are serving in the Coast Guard and continue to happily go without a PT test. They also provided feedback on whether to institute a test as part of the Coast Guard Training and Doctrine Command and Forces Command survey, which they responded with a 99% participation rate and resounding, “No.”

The Coast Guard anticipates approximately 40,992 men and women will join within the next half a decade due to the new incentive. It is unknown whether or not other military branches will produce similar advertising strategies or just continue to think having a silly PT test to make sure full grown adults can take care of themselves.