Colonel Who Needlessly Sent 44 Men To Their Deaths 'Dumbfounded' By Super Bowl Play

CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — A field grade officer in the Marine Corps who needlessly sent 44 men to their deaths is apparently "dumbfounded" at how the Seattle Seahawks "screwed up so badly" during the Super Bowl.

Col. Shaun Julian, former commanding officer of the 8th Marine Regiment, described Sunday night's game as "the biggest fuck-up" he'd ever seen, completely oblivious to his own disastrous decisions in a combat zone which resulted in many of his men suffering violent and unnecessary deaths.

Julian was responsible for both conceiving and planning Operation THROAT PUNCH, a massive U.S. effort to secure the Taliban stronghold of Taluqabad in Helmand Province. Although of questionable strategic value, Taluqabad became the scene of a bitter year-long struggle which resulted in heavy U.S. casualties and was ultimately abandoned.

"How do you blow the game on the one-yard line?" Julian was heard asking fellow officers at the Second Marine Division. "I'll tell you why: Seattle just fucking sucked." He continued to describe the encounter where the Seahawks lost to an evenly-matched and equipped team, quite unlike when his several thousand Marines were unable to locate or destroy less than 200 poorly-armed Taliban insurgents.

"Why would you throw [the football]? What a dumbass! Just sit back, and think things through," Julian patronizingly explained to anyone who would listen. His response to uncertainty and chaos frequently involved the denial of "danger close" fire missions to troops in contact.

"You run the fucking ball. It's just that simple," he said, using a word that none of his peers would apply to the massively over-detailed operational schemes of maneuver he routinely produced.

Mimicking a strategy he unsuccessfully attempted with his route clearance teams, Julian exclaimed. "I'll tell you what I would do! I would have thrown in [Marshawn] Lynch again, and again, and again. No matter how long it took!"

Growing more animated, Julian hypothesized that, "[Seahawks coach Pete] Carroll obviously had more important things on his mind than his own fucking team."

He neglected to explore whether Carroll would have also held a friendship shurah over the advice of all his subordinate commanders, specifically the one that was blown up by a suicide bomber after Julian ruled out body searches for "cultural reasons."

As he absentmindedly twirled his self-awarded Bronze Star for valor and pondered his upcoming promotion to brigadier general, Julian loudly wondered why Carroll hadn't been immediately fired for incompetence.