Colonel Without Combat Patch Decides It's Finally Safe to Leave the Pentagon

THE PENTAGON — Col. Jerry Martin, an infantry officer who has never deployed overseas, has finally decided to rotate out of the Pentagon after 15 years there, according to sources. Friends say Martin attributes his decision to the current Presidential administration’s steadfast refusal to deploy combat troops back to Iraq, and the draw-down of forces in Afghanistan.

Martin, who was assigned to the Pentagon as a junior staff officer in 2001, has quietly moved up the administrative ranks within the Army headquarters without succeeding in such a way that would result in him being reassigned to a line unit.

After leaving the headquarters to attend both the Infantry Captain’s Career Course (ICCC) and the Command & General Staff College (CGSC), he always managed to be reassigned back “through no influence of my own whatsoever.”

“It’s not that I’m a coward. Far from it,” the Colonel explained while standing in line at the S-1. “This is where the real action is. Any idiot can shoot a gun, or tell other idiots to shoot theirs. But it takes a real hero to produce the assistant deputy general to the commissary department’s bi-weekly sales brief."

"I had some really big projects here, and it's disappointing I couldn't finish them sooner," he continued. "But now they're done, I just decided that it’s time for me to move on.”

Others in his office didn’t not share the Colonel’s opinion about his proposed PCS.

“Wait — are you telling me the boss has never deployed? How the fuck is that even possible?” said Pfc. Travis Martinez, an aide assigned to Martin’s section after being reclassified due to several gunshot wounds from Afghanistan.

“No wonder the guy wears his [Class B uniform] every god-damned day," added Spc. Dashaun Travis. "Even in the winter. We all just thought he was trying to be hardcore. And I was always curious why he’d make us print out the latest deployment schedules and leave them on his desk. Our shop tracks ketchup sales for god sakes!”

Several other members of Martin’s section were more vocal about the PCS when they learned Martin had never been to combat. Their reactions were universally unprintable.

According to sources in Human Resources Command, Martin has been assigned to the 10th Mountain Division at Fort Drum as an assistant Division plans officer, and will deploy to Iraq next week.