Colonels Gone Wild—War College spring break stirs anger in Florida

PANAMA CITY, FL — High ranking military officers are hitting the beach this week despite concerns about COVID-19. A time-honored tradition for future generals, spring break this year instead is being called "irresponsible" in light of social distancing guidelines.

"I've been trying to flatten the curve of this gut for the last 3 months," said Col. Andrew McHolster, a student at the National War College in DC. "The real violation would be to quarantine these abs."

Spring break has always been a chance for old crusty leaders to escape the classroom and let down what's left of their hair. However, many people feel that officers should stay home this year to help reduce the risk of spreading disease.

Up and down the Florida beaches, O-6s can be found ignoring social distancing guidelines, doing shots, and ripping beer bongs. One colonel was so heavily intoxicated he took off his cover in public, flashing a bald head to a bunch of cheering Marines. Many Floridians are outraged by this blatant disregard for public safety.

"Bra, we're still gonna send it" said Capt Ashley Martinaro, a Naval Intelligence officer from Norfolk. "Self isolation is mad dope, but ya girl needs to get turnt."

Historical leaders like Ulysses S. Grant and Douglas MacArthur originally earned names for themselves by parting harder than any other classmate during spring break. While this litmus test is important for a leader, many Floridians agree, the damage to public health is not worth it.