ST. LOUIS — In an inspiring display of patriotic fervor, a local combat veteran has announced his eagerness to reenlist to fight in the War on Drugs, taking a firm stance not against, but in support of drug use. 

Jared Doherty, who served multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, now sees the battle for cannabis legalization as his new front line. 

"After years of dodging IEDs, navigating the bureaucratic minefield of the VA for pain management feels like child's play," Doherty quipped while rolling a joint. "I'm just shifting from combat boots to Crocs, man."

Armed with an arsenal of peer-reviewed studies and a stack of rolling papers taller than your average VA claim, he's become a one-man army advocating for policy change.