Commander adds your mom’s house to off-limits establishments list

YOUR MOM’S HOUSE — A spokesman for the garrison command team confirmed this week that, among other updates to the Off Limits Establishment list, your mom’s house has been added to the roster of local businesses, venues and locations service members are forbidden from visiting.

“In some ways, it was a difficult decision,” said Mr. Greg Buehl, civilian spokesman in the Community Relations office at Installation Maintenance Command headquarters. “Simply because removing your mom’s house from fair play would mean that so, so, so many service members, local civilians, hobos, junkies, and even units of livestock, would suddenly have to go elsewhere for their … uh, needs.”

“In other ways, though, it was an easy call,” added Col. Dick Kuklinski, assistant garrison commander, “because, to put it in joint doctrinal terms: Yo momma so nasty.

“And that’s a direct quote from JP 3-0,” he added.

Analysts say that though your mom will see a significant drop in traffic through her house and clam, she should probably come out the other side of this setback no worse for the wear, and maintain her habit of getting worn for the worst, as is her wont.

“It’s kind of like the advent of bitcoin or other cryptocurrency,” said Dr. Hal Spencer, professor of Economics at East Dickhole State University, “when the whole world was concerned that this new thing would destabilize the global currency market. Turned out, we needn’t have worried. Cryptocurrency is still a thing, but normal money survived just fine. This new situation may temporarily hinder your mom from huffing so, so much chode, but if I know your mom—and who doesn’t?—she’ll be back in fine form in short order.”

At press time, your mom was unavailable for comment, due to her every disgusting orifice being occupied by what one UN humanitarian observer called, “ALL the dicks.”