YOUR MOM’S HOUSE — A spokesman for the garrison command team confirmed this week that, among other updates to the Off Limits Establishment list, your mom’s house has been added to the roster of local businesses, venues and locations service members are forbidden from visiting.

“In some ways, it was a difficult decision,” said Mr. Greg Buehl, civilian spokesman in the Community Relations office at Installation Maintenance Command headquarters. “Simply because removing your mom’s house from fair play would mean that so, so, so many service members, local civilians, hobos, junkies, and even units of livestock, would suddenly have to go elsewhere for their … uh, needs.”

“In other ways, though, it was an easy call,” added Col. Dick Kuklinski, assistant garrison commander, “because, to put it in joint doctrinal terms: Yo momma so nasty.