SHOCK REPORT: General under investigation for misconduct suspends himself and plans to cooperate

The following is an all-hands letter sent to all members of the base written by the commanding general, in response to the announcement of an investigation into his conduct.

OFFICE OF THE COMMANDING GENERAL — It is with a heavy heart that I must suspend myself, effective immediately, pending the outcome of the recently announced investigation into my conduct.

Regrettably, I will be unable to attend tomorrow’s town hall meeting to discuss all the pressing issues facing our military families, such as our inability to book Pitbull to perform a concert on post and the critical shortage of Natural Light and Juul Pods at the shoppette. As much as I thoroughly enjoy taking questions from ill-informed family members and disgruntled soldiers about superfluous bullshit over which I have no control, I will, unfortunately, be unavailable for the foreseeable future.

Furthermore, I cannot, in good conscience, participate in this month’s Sexual Assault Review Board. I am extremely disappointed that I will not be able to moderate the unceasing blame game between criminal investigation command, legal, and my battalion commanders as to why soldiers keep assaulting each other despite the proliferation of pens, ribbons, pins, t-shirts, water bottles, and stretchy bracelets reminding them not to.

My sincerest apologies go out to my two beautiful little girls. I will have no choice but to take you to soccer practice tomorrow night and attend your ballet recitals later this week. To my wife, I apologize – we will actually be keeping our appointment at the French restaurant tonight to celebrate our 35th anniversary. I know I said that I couldn’t possibly trust my deputy to run the regularly-scheduled synchronization meeting tonight, but circumstances have forced my hand. I take full responsibility for the impact this will have on the long term training calendar.

To the investigating officer, I want you to know that all of the post’s resources are at your disposal in your pursuit of the truth. I fully expect that you will literally leave no stone unturned, no e-mail unexamined, and no text message unread when it comes to this investigation. I am fully committed to 100% transparency and the very last thing I want is to leave the impression that anything was swept under the rug.

Prior to my suspension, I signed a memo authorizing the indefinite extension of your deadline, so you should feel no pressure to rush. Please, take your time. I am intensely eager to resume command of the finest installation in the Army, but I understand that this is the sacrifice I must make to ensure complete confidence in the outcome of the investigation.

Anything less would be a betrayal of our Army values and all that we stand for.