Congress cuts enlisted pay to fund F-35 stereo system
WASHINGTON — Congress has passed a new law that will cut pay for all enlisted servicemembers by two percent. The money saved will fund a "wicked baller" speaker system for the F-35 Lightning II, according to program managers.
"We were really looking for something that would set the F-35 back another five years," said program spokesman, Vice Adm. Tom Skazanski. "Now we'll have to redesign the entire cockpit to fit the system in there, and even then I doubt it will work."
The Air Force and Marine Corps versions of the system, which will cost $23 million per unit, will be equipped with built-in gramophones, with Richard Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" coming standard, while the Navy's version will include cassette players with the Top Gun soundtrack playing on repeat.
"We realized that flying just isn't as cool unless you can listen to Kenny Loggins while shooting down enemy MiGs," said Skazanski.
The contract was settled after a lengthy bidding war between "Fat Leonard" Francis and an eBay…
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