Congress cuts enlisted pay to fund F-35 stereo system

WASHINGTON — Congress has passed a new law that will cut pay for all enlisted servicemembers by two percent. The money saved will fund a "wicked baller" speaker system for the F-35 Lightning II, according to program managers.

"We were really looking for something that would set the F-35 back another five years," said program spokesman, Vice Adm. Tom Skazanski. "Now we'll have to redesign the entire cockpit to fit the system in there, and even then I doubt it will work."

The Air Force and Marine Corps versions of the system, which will cost $23 million per unit, will be equipped with built-in gramophones, with Richard Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" coming standard, while the Navy's version will include cassette players with the Top Gun soundtrack playing on repeat.

"We realized that flying just isn't as cool unless you can listen to Kenny Loggins while shooting down enemy MiGs," said Skazanski.

The contract was settled after a lengthy bidding war between "Fat Leonard" Francis and an eBay user based out of Azerbaijan. Still, the department does not know where it will get the stock it needs, as most of the technology involved has been obsolete for decades.

Sen. John McCain has been an outspoken opponent of the bill.

"I literally threw up when I read this," said McCain. "Gramophones and cassette players? Everyone knows that 8-tracks are the technology of the future."

The program is already experiencing setbacks, as one Navy pilot got so excited listening to "Playing With the Boys" that he tried to "ghost-ride the whip" during a flyover of a beach volleyball match. He was unsuccessful, crashing the plane into the U.S. women's volleyball team and causing over $200 million in damage.

"I've ghost-ridden the whip before," McCain added. "And trust me, it will just land you in a prison camp in Hanoi."