Congress declares war on Spain after burning of USS Bonhomme Richard

SAN DIEGO, Calif. – The USS Bonhomme Richard (LHA-6), one of the Navy’s premier amphibious assault ships, suffered an explosion and fire this Sunday at Naval Base San Diego. Ship’s company and federal firefighters fought the blaze for several days. The cause of the incident is still being investigated, but some authorities revealed that they suspect the Spanish government.

“Surely this is the clever ploy of the dastardly Iberians to recapture the naval supremacy taken from them by Sir Francis Drake in the 1588 sinking of their armada,” speculated lovable rapscallion, Congressman Cornelius Roosevelt (R-NY), the great-great grandson of the 26th President of the United States. “But it appears the lily-livered milksops have bitten off more than they can chew, for we have ordered the deployment of the Asiatic Fleet! Ho-ho!”

In an impassioned address before congress, Roosevelt convinced his fellow representatives to vote in favor of a “splendid little war” with the European state. There was even a guest appearance by Toby Keith, who unveiled a brand new country battle anthem.

“Yeah, so they’ve got us invading the Philippines for some reason,” said Boatswain’s Mate Third Class Samantha Cruz. “My Lola lives there, so I’m not too thrilled about that.”

While one Carrier Strike Group prepares for war in Southeast Asia, another has begun steaming to Cuba to “hit the rumbumptious ruffians where they will hurt the most” by retaking San Juan and Kettle Hill, as well as Havana. When reached for comment, the Spanish embassy was very confused, but offered their full support in the clean-up and repair efforts.

Investigators have assured Mr. Roosevelt that the claims of Spanish involvement may be overstated and based on little to no evidence, but he was quick to tweet, “Muckrakers! You are yellow journalism!”