Congress passes new changes to US Flag Code

WASHINGTON — Just in time for the 4th of July, Congress has made significant updates the U.S. Flag Code, the policies written on the proper use of the American flag.

“Flag Code was out of date and largely ignored,” said Sen. Francis Scott, a key leader in the initiative. “It didn’t include important topics such as how the flag should be displayed at professional sporting events, but did include a rule against wearing the American flag as an item of respectful, festive, patriotic, and seductive clothing. It was time to clarify and improve the rules for our nation’s most important symbol.”

Some of the new changes:

Our nation's colors, which represent the blood lost by many soldiers in the American Revolution, may be proudly displayed on tasteful, patriotic clothing when worn appropriately, like on a tiny bikini worn by a hot chick.

While kneeling during the national anthem is clearly disrespectful, grabbing a piece of turf and pushing it out during the national anthem is next-level moto and why haven’t we thought of this yet?

It is disrespectful to render the nation's colors in any color scheme other than red, white, and blue, IR, black and white with a blue line, or made of bullets.

Flags are not to be fully rendered in edible form. However, flags may be artfully arranged on top of a cake or pie with blueberries, strawberries, or raspberries, but only by a level-5 Pinterest mom. She will be required to post pictures to all her social media accounts. The appropriate response to this flag cake salute shall be returning the salute with a comment containing a flag emoji or series of red and blue heart emojis.

The flag must always be displayed with the field closest to the right-hand side of the bearer. The only exception to this shall be on women’s swimwear, if the tiny amount of fabric does not allow for a full representation of the flag. In that case, the field may be displayed across both nipples, or just on the thong, as long as it’s not a fat chick.

Standing is required when the National Anthem is played. The definition of standing is expanded to include standing varieties such as keg standing and grandstanding, but still prohibits understanding.

All Fourth of July napkins featuring the flag must properly be disposed of by attaching it to a bottle rocket aimed at a neighbor.

The flag shall not be rendered whole on items of a utilitarian nature such as tools, cleaning supplies, or towels which would be sullied by use. Beach towels, when showing a stylized flag, are appropriate, and may be used as America’s finest wholesome, corn-fed beauties might need to towel off, slowly shaking their beach strewn hair in the setting sun.

The flag may only be flown at night when properly illuminated. Proper illumination includes floodlight, tasteful uplighting, vintagey lanterns, whistlin' bungholes, no spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker don'ts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or with the scooter stick, or one single whistlin' kitty chaser.

The flag should not be used as draping, bunting, or in a purely decorative form. The flag may be draped in representations of Liberty or Justice, which shall only be rendered as a woman with cartoonishly-large breasts.

The Flag Code should be a living, breathing, document, capable of reflecting our nation’s shared values and common history. While a men’s Speedo would not properly reflect the freedoms our troops have fought and died for, any intelligent, informed citizen could make the decision to respectfully wear an American flag patch on the back pocket of cut off shorts, while hopping up on the back of a pickup truck, and shaking it all in a stars and stripes bikini top, because really, she just doesn’t know how beautiful she is.

The legislation goes into effect this Independence Day. It also includes a provision to make American flag bikinis tax free. It passed with an overwhelming bi-partisan majority from both houses after an illustrated appendix of proposed flag code changes circulated around the Senate men’s restroom.