By Whiskey Fueled Tirade

CAPITOL HILL — Democratic Congressman Adam Smith narrowly avoided eye contact last week with a group of service chiefs panhandling in the halls of the House Office Building, sources confirmed today.

“Excuse me, sir, my ships ran out of gas on the way to the Taiwan Strait,” a bedraggled Adm. Mike Gilday, Chief of Naval Operations moaned to the congressman. “Can you spare a few billion dollars?”

Though Smith, the chairman of the House Armed Services Committee, pretended not to hear their pleas as he walked toward his office, they only grew louder and more desperate.

“Sir, SIR! Our 5th generation fighter program broke down earlier this year!” Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. Charles Brown said with heavy eyes. “We just need another $1.5 trillion to get it back on its feet.

“Every billion helps, sir,” Brown added.

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While the other service chiefs focused on resourcing overpriced platforms, Army Chief of Staff Gen. James McConville could be seen milling around mumbling “convergence” without any further context.

“Poor guy,” Smith’s wife said as she held the congressman’s arm and stepped around the babbling general. “They say he’s been that way ever since someone asked him to describe what the multi-domain operations concept really means.”

“Just give him a few million dollars so he’ll go away,” she pleaded.

“Honey, he’ll just spend it on the future of vertical lift,” Smith objected.

Smith had nearly reached his office door when the Marine Corps Commandant, Gen. David Berger, stepped in front of Smith and looked him squarely in the eyes.

“I’m not going to B.S. you, sir,” Berger said as he scratched his neck. “I just need money to buy crayons.”

Smith brushed past the general with his wife, opened the office door, and yelled “get a job, sir,” before slamming the door. 

Grumpy contributed to this article.

Whiskey Fueled Tirade is an Army guy, small-time strategy grifter, and command climate change denier. He’s a trailer park ex-pat living large in a house without wheels. Follow him on Twitter @FueledTirade 

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