SAN FRANCISCO, CA — A Congresswoman has filed a formal complaint against the United States military after being featured in an unauthorized "Make Her Famous" campaign.
Representative Jackie Speier (D-Calif.) sent a letter to Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel after her picture — along with the phone number to her Washington, D.C. office — began simultaneously appearing in countless military barracks, wardrooms, briefing rooms, combat operation centers, porta-johns, and on the DoD's official website.
According to Speier, the campaign was originally started by the Facebook group "F’n Wook," whose website was unavailable at press time, but based on the name appears to be some type of Star Wars fan club. The connection with the military is unknown.
"Make Her Famous" is a military term that traditionally refers to unfaithful wives who cheat on their husbands. Their pictures are passed around the disgruntled spouse's unit along with a detailed list of her infidelities, in a widely-recognized act of both shaming the wife while helping her find a future E-3 or O-1 husband.
"As you know, there is a group of active-duty servicemen — and possibly servicewomen with recessive Y chromosomes — dedicated to denigrating the performance of our females in uniform," wrote Speier in her letter. "This same group of people has also been observed denigrating our LGBTQIA community, overweight individuals, officers, seamen sailors, and other men for various reasons which I deem insulting. This is obviously no way to run a military, as the documentaries Courage Under Fire and G.I. Jane have demonstrated."
"Recently this group named me in a series of malicious rumors about my personal life which have been circulating around military installations. My staff has reported countless false statements made about me, a few of which I would like the opportunity to correct: I did not give Airman First Class Brett herpes, I have never been to Great Lakes, I don't know 1/2 Charlie Company and would never let them 'squad rush' me, and my maiden name is not Wagner."
Speier has demanded the removal of all pictures of herself from military premises, the monitoring of military servicemembers' Facebook pages to ensure that no other pictures are posted online, and that individuals caught posting them receive extra gender-sensitivity training. She has also demanded that the military justify an unexplained rash of incidents where every time her image comes on television, all male Marines will stop working and stare silently at the lone female Marine in the room.
Secretary Hagel has promised immediate action.
"I think this is exactly what we need," Hagel said. "As we work to integrate women into the combat arms, a major news story about women feeling bad is just the thing our grunts are looking for."
Hagel has suggested that as a token of the military's remorse, Speier will be presented with the military's highest decoration for complainers: The Order of the Sandy Vagina.