Conspiracy Theorist Warns US Ignoring Incredible Threats

WASHINGTON — In spite of recent reassurances from President Barack Obama to anxious Americans that there are no “specific and credible” threats to the United States, conspiracy theorists are warning the administration is actively ignoring incredible threats looming over the new year.

“At the moment, the United States is utterly incapable of dealing with any of the really cool apocalyptic scenarios,” said Henry Armitage, a retired university professor. “I’m not at all confident the White House is taking every possible step to keep our homeland safe.”

Historically, US intelligence failures have led to unforeseen consequences like the attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941, the bombing of the Marine barracks in Beirut in 1983, and the destruction of the Twin Towers on 9/11.

"Those are the crises they want you to focus on, so you miss the important things," Armitage said.

Armitage funds his research into incredible threats through an online clothing company specializing in aluminum foil headgear designed to combat Illuminati mind-reading technologies. He says his efforts to date have thwarted incredible events such as alien invasion, criminal plots by cabals of supervillains, and global warming.

Another conspiracist, who goes by the twitter handle @TruthOutThere, asserts, "US unprepared for aw8kning malign cosmic entities, ascendency of #artificialintelligence or #bioweaponization of #reanimationcontagions." He says Americans shouldn’t have any confidence in national security and law enforcement officials, "who refuse to look into accusations that the current crop of presidential candidates are all #clones."

Armitage claims to have sources within a number of European law enforcement agencies who report that, "Cthulhu cultists from Iraq and Syria are exploiting the migrant crisis. In Germany alone, police are tracking as many as 800 members" of esoteric death cults dedicated to their various cosmic gods.

"Their goal is to infiltrate Europe’s open borders and plot the awakening of various misanthropic beings in order for them to resume their domination over the Earth and consume mankind," Armitage somehow managed to keep a straight face while saying.

@TruthOutThere added, "Advances in recursive optimization process design of artificial intelligence #AI are also significantly incredible threat."

Armitage feels that once an AI becomes self aware, a cybernetic revolt cannot be far behind.

He is worried that "The Armed Forces are completely unprepared to conduct subterranean combat operations in the face of imminent invasion by those disgusting Mole People."

He says generations of unregulated mining and oil drilling by surface dwellers has provoked the underground race to take military action, which has been initiated by earthquakes and mysterious sinkholes forming throughout the globe.

Finally, Armitage too is concerned that unregulated experimentation and weaponization with bio-agents could spark the unwitting reanimation of the recently deceased causing a global pandemic of undeath.

“But I’ve got a crossbow and a ten month supply of peanut butter and jelly,” said the professor. “So I should be good to go on that one.”