WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Mark Esper confirmed that the Pentagon stands to lose billions of man-hours in pointless bullshit as military facilities worldwide continue telework and lockdown due to COVID-19, or Coronavirus.
Gen. Mark Milley, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, echoed Esper, adding, “Our Armed Forces are about to miss out on billions of man-hours’ worth of mandatory fun, dick drawings, and not producing the F-35, all of which will have a direct effect on readiness.”
Interviews with more than 300 officials at all levels of the Defense Department — from the highest generals to the lowliest privates — confirmed the astonishing amount of useless grabass being lost as the Defense Department cancels thousands of pointless events due to quarantine policies.
One military official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirmed he lost approximately 17 hours’ worth of fiddling with the Defense Travel System after the Association of the US Army canceled the annual Global Force Symposium in Huntsville, Alabama. The official also added that the effects would ripple throughout his organization, as he would also lose the approximately four hours he would normally spend just aimlessly wandering the booths picking up souvenirs, while some poor specialist would lose approximately 37 man-hours repeatedly losing the official’s travel voucher.
The effects of the impending quarantine were further felt at Fort Bragg, N.C.. One Army sergeant said he expected to lose thousands of man-hours inventorying a piece of equipment issued in the year 1950 and has done nothing but sit in a nearby connex collecting dust since it was inventoried on an almost weekly basis for the past seven decades.
When asked how he would spend his time quarantined, the sergeant responded, “Probably Snapchatting some memes to my friends, which is pretty much what I did for the last eight hours at Green Ramp waiting for a jump to get canceled, so it’s not too bad.”
A US Army base in Vicenza, in northern Italy, is in one of the areas hardest hit by the effects of quarantine. There, one staff officer said, “Just a week ago, I was staying at work until 2000 hours making PowerPoint slides with little red stoplights highlighting all the bullshit we hadn’t accomplished. I was even responsible for managing the brigade’s training calendar, which I filled with an incredible amount of bullshit in an attempt to make my brigade commander look way busier than he really was.”
“So much bullshit. Wasted. Wasted.”
The effects of the quarantine were even felt by troops in combat zones, including those stationed at forward operating bases in Afghanistan. One official spoke on the condition of anonymity due to security purposes.
“Sure we won’t be able to conduct patrols, move supplies, or work with the local population, but we won’t let that hinder the great progress we’re making here in Afghanistan.”