The following is an op-ed written by the guy standing next to you.

Can you believe this guy? This may be the best reenlistment speech in the history of reenlistment speeches. I’m glad we’re here to be enlightened.

When the CO turned, after his own, absolutely riveting, speech and said to him, “The floor is yours, Corporal,” I was kind of worried.

But I shouldn’t have doubted. He’s in rare form today. I’m super glad we’re here listening to him at the end of the day instead of going home to our wives and Xboxes.

What’s he saying? "Persevere and maintain the standards, and you too can one day be a corporal?" Well, that’s some Heidegger-level shit right there. Brilliant.

And now he’s mumbling a joke and smiling, and oh! Oh! Now he’s looking confused because out of the people who could hear the damn thing, precisely zero of them thought the joke was funny. This is top-dollar entertainment unfolding even as we wait at parade rest here in the sun.

Of course, what E4’s reenlistment speech would be …