OPINION: This Corporal’s Reenlistment Speech Really Life-Changing

The following is an op-ed written by the guy standing next to you.

Can you believe this guy? This may be the best reenlistment speech in the history of reenlistment speeches. I’m glad we’re here to be enlightened.

When the CO turned, after his own, absolutely riveting, speech and said to him, “The floor is yours, Corporal,” I was kind of worried.

But I shouldn’t have doubted. He’s in rare form today. I’m super glad we’re here listening to him at the end of the day instead of going home to our wives and Xboxes.

What’s he saying? "Persevere and maintain the standards, and you too can one day be a corporal?" Well, that’s some Heidegger-level shit right there. Brilliant.

And now he’s mumbling a joke and smiling, and oh! Oh! Now he’s looking confused because out of the people who could hear the damn thing, precisely zero of them thought the joke was funny. This is top-dollar entertainment unfolding even as we wait at parade rest here in the sun.

Of course, what E4’s reenlistment speech would be complete without saying thanks to everything and everybody on the planet, to include John James Glant and the annexation of the Sudetenland. And his darling fat bitch wife, in a nice dress but—charmingly—in flip flops, apparently under the impression that this is how grown folk dress. Adorable. Absolutely adorable.

Litter of runts in tow, of course, not sure why their father—who honestly is barely older than they—is addressing a group of dozens like he’s goddam Nicolae Ceausescu. With his reenlistment bonus, he should be able to buy them a whole new pair of socks. Or a functioning tooth. Or—

What’s that? No bonus? He took station of choice? DRUM?! Really?! What kind of—I mean, how delightful! Sunny, divine Fort Drum, scenic and picturesque like Norman Rockwell on adrenochrome. Making sure to take drippy nose icicles into account on your Deliberate Risk Management for a rifle range is truly the pinnacle of any leader’s military career.

Oh no, he’s wrapping up, and it’s been such a short speech! It’s only just now been the heat death of the universe, so he really knows how to keep things curt and concise. But I never wanted to see my loved ones ever again! If only there were more time to hear a bunch of meaningless …

Oh. Oh yes. Thank you, Lord! Here comes Top with the safety brief.