Corps’ Lone Thief Apprehended; Marines Rejoice, Burn Missing Gear Statements

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Marine Commandant Gen. James Amos was proud to announce to reporters today that his faith is renewed in the mantra of Marines' never "lying, cheating, or stealing."

The press pool — unsure of what his final remarks would be — continued to speculate on what he meant until the moment he entered the briefing room.

As he approached the podium alongside Sgt. Maj. of the Marine Corps Michael P. Barrett, the Commandant gave a quick smirk toward the media and simply announced: “We got him.”

Cheers instantly erupted from members of the press and from Marine barracks the world over when the three words were uttered.

Mobs of Marines — waving unit guidons and tossing beach balls — began to converge on the Commandant’s house at 8th and I in order to celebrate the capture of one of the Marine Corps’ most notorious villains. Some in the crowd burned missing gear statements — excited that they would never have to fill them out again.

The Commandant continued his speech after the applause subsided: “As you know, for years now, there’s only been one thief in our beloved Marine Corps -- everyone else is just trying to get their shit back. Well, today, because of the diligent work by the men and women of NCIS, we’ve apprehended eighty-nine year old Dick Polaski, a World War Two veteran, and charged him with the first known case of thievery in Marine Corps history.”

After months of careful intelligence gathering, NCIS agents stormed Mr. Polaski’s home at a gated community in Orlando, Florida, where they found numerous pieces of evidence linking him with the thefts he is accused of.

“We found a bunch of old packs of Lucky Strikes, Dick Tracy comic books, and several dirty letters addressed to different Marines in Mr. Polaski’s old unit,” says chief investigator Michael Iskierka. “All of these items were visibly marked by the individuals who first reported their items stolen in 1944.”

Speaking to the Duffel Blog from behind his brig cell at Quantico, Mr. Polaski seemed unremorseful about his alleged actions: “Yeah, I took those things. So what? If it weren't for dickheads like them leaving their shit unsecured, they're wouldn't be any thievery in the world, now would there? Where’s my goddamn prune juice?”

TDB tracked down Polaski’s former commanding officer, ninety-five year old Lloyd Skinner, at his assisted living home in Andrews, Texas.

Skinner had a few choice words regarding Polaski: “It doesn’t surprise me at all. I never trusted that old shitbag. I saw him eyeballing my Glenn Miller seventy-eights when I was getting dressed up for a night out with some dollies. Then I came back from cuttin’ a rug and they were missing.”

Mr. Skinner briefly paused and squinted his eyes as if he had some sort of painful memory brewing, adding: “Nurse… I shit my pants.”

Upon seizing the stolen items, the Marine Corps has been making a conscious effort to return all belongings to their original owners. One of the main problems, however, has been the passing of nearly all the Marines associated with Polaski’s pilfering, resulting in the items being transferred to the next of kin.

“At first, I was really excited to get all those letters that mom wrote dad all those years ago,” said Sandra Garcia, the daughter of PFC Miguel Garcia, one of Polaski’s victims. “But then my joy turned into a nightmare when I saw all the things my mom wrote him… stuff she said she was going to do to him when he returned home. I don’t even want to know what a ‘Brazilian coffee filter’ is.”

Perhaps the most important aspect of this arrest is what it could do to the future of thievery in the Marine Corps.

“We truly hope that by cutting the head off the chief vampire, this will result in thefts slowly coming to an end due to the fact that everyone else will start getting their shit back,” added Agent Iskierka.