FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Army Pvt. Raymond Kessler, responsible for the twenty-third crash of a military vehicle since the release of Pokémon GO last week, was somehow not even playing the game, sources report.

“I learned my lesson after my last two Pokémon GO crashes,” Kessler said during his burn treatments. “Although I would have rather been chasing down those cute little monsters, I turned that fuel truck into a fiery death trap the old-fashioned way: extreme fatigue from playing too much Pokémon GO before driving.”

Sgt. Lance Pine, who was asleep in the vehicle during the crash, was also not definitely not playing Pokémon GO.

“We were all tuckered out,” Pine said, “after our platoon leader had us running after Pokémon for 48 straight hours under the guise of PT and land navigation this weekend.”

Pine paused to catch a stray Poliwag. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a 1700 formation to defend our gym.”

Kessler’s platoon leader, 2nd. Lt. Gary Brock, views casualties like Kessler as a necessar…