Crew super freaked out by new cook who didn’t join for the signing bonus

ASTORIA, Ore. — While the crew of the Coast Guard Cutter Steadfast welcomed a new food specialist on Thursday, they admitted today that they were a little weirded out that he did not do it for the $40,000 signing bonus, sources confirmed.

Cmdr. Willie Hudson told reporters that shortly after he and the crew received SNFS Terry Thomas, the cook began preparing for breakfast, whistling the Kill Bill tune, and asking everyone how their day was.

“I guess I’m glad that he decided to become a cook for such a noble reason, but at the same time, I have to say, it was a little unnatural,” Hudson said of the motivated food specialist’s presence in the galley, which he cleaned himself. “He even seemed excited about our upcoming patrol, stating that it’s his favorite thing — to cook us meals while sailing the high seas.”

“I mean, like…what the hell is wrong with this guy?”

“He seems like a nice guy; it’s just super uncomfortable and weird to have someone so positive on the mess deck,” added Chief Food Specialist Hughes, noting that the Thomas even asks for the crew’s input on menu items. “He’s super polite to the mess cooks. They don’t know how to react, it’s like he’s a robot or something.”

The crew said they were equally surprised to hear that he just put his bonus in the Thrift Savings Plan, rather than spending it on a new car or a boat.

“I mean, he seems to really enjoy himself, I know this because I saw him singing to himself while he were doing the ship’s supply on-load ,” Hughes told Duffel Blog. “It’s just making me feel really uneasy, like he’s buried bodies in his backyard or dresses up like My Little Pony on the weekends.”

Several crew members confirmed that although Thomas enlisted in the most miserable rate in the Coast Guard, he appears extremely motivated, sometimes outwardly yelling “I LOVE MY JOB!” at times.

“The guy made $40,000 and is probably going to make twice that if he re-enlists since he’s got a BA in Food Studies,” Hudson said while eating the most delicious omelet he’s ever had. “I just can’t bring myself to feel comfortable around him. I feel like he’s going to murder everyone and eat us for chow at any moment.”