CSM Fired After Offensive 'Eskimo Dick' Cadence

HONOLULU, Hawaii — Command Sgt. Major Katrina Hopewell, of the 225th BSB, was relieved of her duties today after an investigation into allegations that she led a derogatory cadence during a division run, according to a spokesman for the 25th Infantry Division. Sources suggest that the cadence, which referenced the alleged temperature of a male Eskimo’s genitalia, shocked and offended dozens of male soldiers, who flooded the Inspector General's office with complaints after the event.

Although many male members of the army, including senior leaders, have been investigated for derogatory cadences in the past and have been allowed to keep their jobs, a spokesman for the 25th ID defended Hopewell's firing.

“This wasn’t the first time IG [inspector general] has looked at CSM Hopewell,” Capt. Lance Barker explained. “Last year she referred to a group of male soldiers who had fallen out of a run as 'a pack of bitches,' and was actually alleged to have spit on one of them after he began to cry.”

“Before that there were rumors that she only staffed headquarters with the youngest, hottest male privates fresh out of basic training.”

A source within the unit also alleged that Hopewell was denied promotion to E-9 in 2012 after rumors that she’d become intoxicated at a unit event and graphically described her anonymous sexual conquests to all those within earshot.

Hopewell says that the entire process was just another attempt by a small group of males to seek special treatment, and that left wing politics don’t fit within the realities of the military.

“It’s all just so fucking gay,” she concluded.

Duffel Blog correspondent Blondes Over Baghdad contributed to this report.