FORT CAMPBELL, Tenn. — Soldiers and their families participating in a mandatory unit holiday function were denied the use of cold weather gear by their Command Sergeant Major over the weekend, sources confirmed today.

Claiming it was full daylight, and therefore "not cold," Command Sgt. Maj. Wilberforce Dix banned the use of snivel gear not authorized by the memorandum of instruction which published an appropriate equipment list for the event.

"If one of your kids doesn't have a beanie, then none of the kids will have a beanie," Dix said. "Irregardless, it would behoove us to orientate on the fundamentals of uniformity, otherwise it will erode our foundational discipline and lead to a poor command climatization."

Shivering children wept as their numbed fingers attempted to make decorations at the Christmas crafts table, according to sources.