NAVAL STATION NORFOLK — Lt. Cmdr. Jim Holmes has seen thousands of patients as a Navy doctor, and cured hundreds. His secret? Motrin, available generically as ibuprofen, and known by service members the world over as Vitamin M.
"I've cured all sorts of diseases with Motrin: Menstrual cramps, backaches, amputations, that Exorcist thing where a person starts shaking all crazy ... You name it, I've treated it," he said.
So when a 22-year-old Sailor came into his office complaining of nausea and exhaustion, Holmes immediately diagnosed him with malignant melanoma and started him on an intense course of ibuprofen, 9000 mg of Motrin a day.
"That's four times the maximum recommended dosage," said Holmes, a ground-breaking medical practitioner who is fully-licensed. "You really need to get that medicine deep in there."
The sailor initially experienced serious intestinal bleeding, but within three weeks, he was no longer complaining about the nausea or the exhaustion that brought him to the doctor's office in the first place. Dr. Holmes concluded that the Motrin regimen had cured the young sailor of skin cancer, and published his findings in The American Journal of Cancer Research, in which he wrote, "treatments consisting entirely of extremely high doses of ibuprofen showed reduction of cell viability and colony reduction of cancer cells."
While his study still under peer review, Dr. Holmes is rumored to be in contention for the Nobel Prize in Medicine. Asked what he thought about his potential nomination, Holmes remained humble.
At press time, he had updated his Facebook status to say "I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did just cure cancer."