By Whiskey Fueled Tirade

LONDON – Daniel Craig, best known for his starring role as the hard-to-kill secret agent James Bond, was appointed as an honorary naval officer last week and immediately gained 40 pounds, sources confirmed.

“It was quite remarkable,” First Sea Lord Admiral Sir Tony Radakin told reporters. “Before the ceremony, [Craig] was so affable and—fit. Then poof, he was standing there with a potbelly, a scowl, and a dirty coffee cup.” 

“He looked like every dumpy surface warfare officer in the fleet.”

Craig debuted as Bond in the 2006 blockbuster Casino Royale, transforming Pierce Brosnan’s twig-armed, limp-handshake ponce into a chiseled secret agent who could actually hold himself up during sex without reaching muscle failure. Now, sources say Craig looks like he might start and lose a fight with a waitress for taking away the dinner rolls too quickly.

Share

“Fuck it,” Craig’s physical trainer said as he took a long drink from a paper bag wrapped bottle and lit a cigarette. “Year…