By Grumpy

WASHINGTON — The Pentagon extended the deployment of National Guard troops on Monday amid reports of Guard units trying to return to armories in Maryland and Northern Virginia being stuck in traffic on the Beltway and Connecticut Avenue, sources confirmed today.

“Jesus, D.C. drivers are the worst,” said Maryland National Guard 1st Lt. Geordan Jackson, who sent a text message to the National Capital/Capitol Counterinsurgency Saving Democracy Center of Excellence command post after his Mine Resistant Ambush Protection vehicle had moved only “about six fucking car lengths” in 30 minutes along Connecticut Avenue, a major north-south route between the District and Maryland.

“I thought the pandemic meant traffic was better,” Jackson said. “We should have just taken the Metro. But that would have been like six grand in fare cards, and I don’t know if DTS would reimburse me.

“Also, a bike messenger just passed us and flipped me off," he added.