YOUR HOMETOWN — An agent of the deep state working undercover with the NSA has expressed mixed feelings toward the conspiracy theories you post online.
Marcus Wolfe — a signals intelligence analyst charged by the covert establishment with monitoring your communications — has both laughed himself to tears and punched the air in rage due to the outlandish hypotheses you've shared on the Internet.
"This fucking guy has some hilarious ideas of what goes on behind the curtains of power," Wolfe told reporters inside an unmarked RC-12X SIGINT aircraft circling above your residence. "But it's not so funny when he actually guesses correctly and derails our plans."
The intelligence community's operation to keep tabs on your Internet and personal cell phone, thought to cost around $2 million a week, began in January 2009. During this time, they've had to cancel numerous secretive activities because you unknowingly ratted them out.
"If only this asshole would put a filter on his fingers, we could've taken everyone's guns and turned the frogs gay years ago," the intelligence expert elaborated.
"But my pals at Agenda 21 and I laughed at the 'global warming hoax' and 'flat earth' theories, so that's a plus."
Wolfe, who is also an Illuminati enforcer and a Freemason, served several years in the Special Forces as a communications sergeant. When he joined Army Reserve intelligence in 1998, his uncle in the Men in Black recruited him to work for "those who really pull the strings." He was soon working a cover-job at the National Security Agency while also running clandestine missions on the side for the plutocracy, such as running guns for the CIA, planning 9/11, and helping write the Patriot Act.
The dark network known as the "Deep State" is thought to secretly rule America from behind the scenes. Allegedly, they are responsible for many suspicious events, from Watergate and Iran-Contra to trying to sabotage President Trump. Unfortunately for them, many of their schemes have been exposed by eagle-eyed patriots like you, leading to their postponement or cancellation.
"I'll never forget Barack's and George's disappointment when I told them to 'call it off,'" Wolfe said with a chuckle, referring to the Second Civil War you predicted would start on November 4, 2017. "Now their army of Antifa, BLM activists, and Syrian refugees will have to twiddle their thumbs even longer."
Luckily for the American people, the puppet-masters of the US government can't make a move without you thwarting them via social media. If not for you, we'd already be living in the future liberals want: everyone reduced to a number, mindlessly watching Netflix and ordering on Amazon, and ruled by laws that don't affect the elites that made them, all while non-compliant citizens are sent to internment camps.
However, Wolfe expressed optimism that you haven't figured out the shadow government's latest plan, which apparently involves you.
"I haven't seen my bosses this excited since they launched that cruise-missile at the Pentagon back in '01."
At press time, Wolfe told the agents in the black helicopters outside your house to "commence the operation."
Duffel Blog reporters MIDSHIPMAN W.T. DOOR and Drew Ferrol contributed to this report.