KUWAIT – The Shake Shack at Kuwait International Airport felt like a tasty farewell to western culture as Darrell Holden and Mo Deaver awaited their connecting flights to join the ongoing conflict in Syria. What started out as a friendly conversation, however, turned painfully awkward after the realization that they might cross paths in the near future.
"I mean, here's this lad, with a beard, and he's speaking English," said Deaver, a British citizen who plans to join ISIS when he gets to Syria. "I thought, maybe we could enjoy some friendly conversation. It'd be nice to know somebody when I get to Damascus."
"Beard, check. Oakleys, check. G-Shock, check," said Holden, a U.S. defense contractor and former Army Green Beret. "I mean, hell, maybe this guy's on our team."
Darrell couldn't confirm that he was contracted by the infamous firm, Blackwater. Not because their mission was classified, but because they had changed their name so many times that even he lost track.
Their shared passion for delicious burgers was reason enough to get along at first, but they also quickly discovered they were both avid Game of Thrones fans, loved to indulge on some Taco Bell fourth meal, and completely and totally agreed that Kate Middleton was truly the world's royal MILF. It wasn't until Mo noticed something about Darrell's order before the chitchat began heading south.
"What are those little brown crispy bits?" Deaver asked Holden. "Are you eating bacon? Swine meat?"
"I'm eating little brown crispy bits of freedom," replied Holden. "You got a fucking problem with freedom?"
"I was gobsmacked," Deaver told reporters. "I hadn't noticed it before because it was camouflaged, but then it hit me clear as day. A little American flag had been hiding on the front of this tosser's hat all along."
Mo added, "I should've jihaded his ass right on the spot, but I still hadn't gotten any jihading training yet. I was a UX designer before all of this, but you best believe that my brothers will be using some very intuitive and user-friendly infidel-poppers soon enough."
The conversation fizzled, much like the recently failed bombing attempt in New York City.
"At this point, he's just staring at me like I have a dick growing out of my forehead," said Holden. "I start feeling those creepy vibes coming off him, you know? Muslim vibes."
Holden and Deaver continued eating their respective meals in silence. When Deaver finished first, however, he excused himself and briskly walked away, leaving his food tray for Holden to throw out.
Darrell assured reporters that the next time they meet, "Mo will be getting a free sample of freedom right between his eyes."