Defense Secretary celebrates Passover with slaughter of firstborn budget requests
SecDef Lloyd Austin ritually murdered every budget
By Rock Or Something
THE PENTAGON — Multiple sources in the Army Chaplain Corps have confirmed that Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin’s celebratory Passover seder turned Biblical when he swore to kill each military service’s firstborn budget request for the next cycle.
“That was some Old Testament shit right there,” said Maj. Gen. Thomas L. Solhjem, the Army’s chief of chaplains. “He unleashed something even more unholy than boils and locusts: A flat budget.”
The bloodletting was swift and furious, as Austin slashed budgetary hopes between each blessed cup of wine. The Army took the biggest hit, losing more soon-to-retire helicopters than expected as well as three new uniform changes. Acting Army Secretary John Whitley was devastated that soldiers would have to endure ‘pinks and greens’ for several more years.
“I think we all know the moral of the Passover story is that the Jewish people will always persevere,” said Deputy Defense Secretary Kathleen Hicks. “The Navy’s shipbuilding dreams were not so lucky.”
After the final blessing over the wine, the defense secretary revealed his most shocking massacre victim by promising to cut the nearly $25 billion annual suck-hole of waste, mismanagement, and PowerPoint licenses. Not even the blood of the sacred Chief Warrant Officer-5 smeared on program office doors could protect the line items this cycle.
The Space Force budget was only spared after the Chaplain of the Marine Corps hid it in a basket and floated it down the Quigley to safety.
W.E.Linde contributed Combat Camera support for this article.
Rock Or Something is a recovering veteranist. Send along praise or MRE recipes.