The Army’s Greatest Battle Will Be Waged Against Combat Leaders And Tattoos

The following is an opinion piece by Gen. Martin E. Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

My fellow soldiers. Brothers, sisters, and transgender warriors of all shapes, colors, creeds, and religions. The Army is in peril. After 13 years of persistent conflict we face a greater threat than any ever seen before.

I speak of the long-haired, poorly shaven hordes of so-called "combat veterans" that plague our ranks. These creatures — more beast than human — have no knowledge of standards. Nor do they have any understanding of the pure, unadulterated joy a snap uniform inspection or new reflective belt policy can bring.

These foul demons, spawned in the wastes of Fallujah, Mosul, Kunar, and possibly the very gates of Hell itself, threaten to bring our storied institution crashing down.

But be strong my young warriors and rest assured that we are fighting back with all the weapons at our disposal. We have won the first battle, eliminating thousands of their leaders through Officer Selection Boards. But the monsters themselves remain, and the war is far from won.

Each and every one of you must look deep into your very souls and ask yourselves if you’ll join me in this fight. As members of America’s peacetime Army we must terminate these heretics who pollute our beloved force with extreme prejudice, before they can do any more damage.

Finally, let your subordinates know that we have a secret weapon in this fight. Our intelligence has identified a correlation between the amount of visible tattoos a soldier has and their natural inclination towards subversion and anarchy.

In our studies, we have found that upwards of 90 percent of soldiers with combat experience have tattoos. Therefore we will attack this obvious weakness, and begin discharging these minions with their demonic ink-covered skin.

We have sent this information to every corner of globe, and, God-willing we can bring our enemies to their knees.

Remember, never falter, never quit, and always remember that we are the last line of defense against the greatest threat our peacetime Army has ever faced. And we will prevail.

May Odierno be with you.

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