Department of Defense plans to win next war by using only #hashtags

PENTAGON — The emergence of new technologies has caused a major shift in how the Pentagon plans to handle future conflicts. With the Pentagon's recent discovery and integration of #hashtags, officials are hoping that future service members will be able to fight the country’s battles with the simple touch of a cell phone keyboard.

The soon-to-be-ensconced director of the new #hashtag department is excited to see this new capability brought to the American warfighter. During a recent interview, Director "Anonymous Bartislartfast" noted, “The ability to use a #hashtag instead of using any useful action is the way of the future. Our military doesn’t actually need to do anything—our adversaries just need to think that we’re seriously committed to what we posted in our #hashtags. We’ve got very diplomatic phrases ranging from #worktogetherforpeace to slightly more aggressive #wehavemissilespointedatyou to full on #wewillblowyourshitup type of phrases."

“This is really about the American military’s conveyance of power over the internet and incorporating our newer, more technologically savvy service members. We are working closely with AOL to bring this tool to the warfighter's modem.”

Defense Secretary Dr. Mark Esper says, "It’s not every day that you get to fight a #hashtag war, but when you do, you have to be ready to #hashtag some really powerful wording to ensure that the country’s enemies feel the intimidation through their smart phones. One soldier with a powerful #hashtag is the equivalent of 50 Special Forces soldiers with actual guns and bullets."

The future director says America’s military has service members on-call and ready to send a #hashtag on a moment’s notice, without hesitation, and without remorse.

“We have service members ready to launch these #hashtags by sea, by air, by land, and through outer space if we need to get the Space Force involved,” "Bartislartfast" noted. "For OPSEC reasons, we were unable to write down the wording to some of these #hashtags which can apparently be deadly and can be launched at any country. Those #hashtags would remain written on only one cell phone, locked in a case behind double locks, with someone ready to click the 'send' button if necessary."