Department of Defense stands down after Microsoft Office subscription expires

Strangely, the Marine Corps has remained most resilient to this loss of electronic military communication.

THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense will stand down indefinitely due to the Department’s Microsoft Office subscription recently expiring, Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin announced last night in a Pentagon press conference.

Chaos ensued throughout the week as American service members worldwide were unable to access their Microsoft Outlook accounts, halting communication worldwide.

“The Secretary has authorized the use of personal email addresses as we work to regain communication,” a DoD spokesperson told Duffel Blog from Clownboner69@ashleymadison.com.

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According to officials, units across the military have been forced to halt missions as they figure out how to function without critical military assets, such as Excel or PowerPoint. Currently, the damage assessment is unknown as unit field grades were forced to pull out markers and acetate to track runners sent to most locations in the Continental U.S.

“Due to recent urgent budget requirements, the DoD will be standing down until this issue is resolved,” Austin said.

Austin declined to specify how this incident happened, but officials indicated to Duffel Blog that during the Christmas specials, Secretary Austin attempted to get the most bang for the buck on necessities that the DoD would need to operate throughout the year. For example, he completed the DoD’s cybersecurity mission by purchasing the McAfee Antivirus Family Package for $29 to distribute to the force. Next on the Secretary’s Amazon Wishlist was the Microsoft Office 365 Family Subscription, although other factors diverted his attention.

Lego Star Wars The Skywalker Saga for the Nintendo Switch was 50% off at $29 and the Secretary wasted no time in purchasing before others caught onto the deal. The issue persisted as he spent the rest of the day clearing his calendar in anticipation of the game’s arrival, making him forget the DoD's critical Microsoft Office applications.

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