Department of Defense To Announce 'Wear a Condom You Idiots' Campaign

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Pentagon is planning to announce a new sexual health campaign, titled “Goddamn it, Wear a Condom You Idiots,” on Tuesday.

The move comes amid reports that 10 percent of servicewomen have unintended pregnancies per year, and 75 percent of Navy pregnancies were unplanned. Officials were shocked that the numbers were so low.

“We realized we should be doing more to educate servicemembers about pregnancy and sexual health,” Lieutenant Colonel Patrick Washburn said as he announced the program. “Many schools have abstinence only education programs so we’re recruiting people who are clueless about sex. I don’t know how they can call ‘abstinence only’ education. Education teaches things.”

Lessons in the new campaign are designed to refute common misconceptions about sex, such as “Drinking Mountain Dew is not an effective form of birth control,” “Don’t have unprotected sex with people who have STDs,” and “Women, if you get pregnant to avoid a deployment you’ll deploy later and you’ll still have to raise your child for eighteen goddamn years.”

“This is really interesting information,” Marine Private John Wilkenson said. “I had no idea a girl could get pregnant if you said you were going to pull out but didn’t. I thought telling her you were sorry made it ok. And thank God they didn’t show that picture of the woman’s face covered in herpes.”

“We need this program,” Hospital Corpsman Second Class Valerie Sanborne said afterward. “There’s a girl on board whose nickname is Seaman Clap. She infected so many guys we put a note in the Plan of the Day. ‘Seaman Arly has chlamydia. If you’re going to have sexual relations with her, wear a condom.’ Guys still keep doing her bareback. How dumb are they?”

“There needs to be a lesson about being a parent,” Senior Airman Christina Scott said. “People shouldn’t make the same mistake I did. I had my son so I could get an extra $150 a month for beer money. Turns out it costs more than that to raise a child. Who knew?”