BUENOS AIRES — Scientists have uncovered what they believe to be the earliest remains of the modern-day dependapotomus, Duffel Blog has learned.

“Originally, I thought they were just the petrified remains of an ordinary manatee. But then I saw it was clutching six human babies, a half liter of Diet Pepsi, and a giant jar of cheeseballs. That’s when I knew," said Dr. Jose Alvarez, lead researcher for the World Health Organization’s genomics project. “We never thought we’d uncover this here, in the Galapagos of all places.”

Alvarez traveled to the Galapagos on a hunch after examining Spanish colonial-era journals documenting the marriage of a strange woman known only as “Gordita Chalupa” to a sailor on Francisco Pizzaro’s expedition to the islands in 1534.

The marriage of sailor, Seaman Apprentice Dirté Sanchez, to Ms. Chalupa marked the beginning of problems for Pizarro. It is believed Ms. Chalupa maintained a number of polyamorous relationships with other members of Pizarro’s crew. Event…