THE PENTAGON — Following the release of its new 'deploy or get out' policy, the Pentagon has now announced it will be closing down within the next 12 months as the category "medically undeployable" applies to 93% of the building's military workforce.
The new plan, which the Defense Department had hoped would motivate and streamline the military for greater lethality by demanding troops be medically able to deploy or be forced out, has apparently come with unintended consequences.
“The situation we face today is really unprecedented, certainly in the post-World War II era,” Robert Wilkie, under secretary of defense for personnel and readiness, told a Senate Armed Services subcommittee. “On any given day, tens of thousands of troops are medically incapable of being deployed. We just didn't realize the vast majority of them were here in the Pentagon."
“I cannot believe they’re doing this to us. We were trying to go after those shammer, slacker, shitbag types like in admin shops and logistics, not us important decision makers," said Cmdr. Susan Essex, one of the architects of the proposal, as she bounded out of her SUV in a coveted Pentagon south-parking handicap space, which she's entitled to use due to a bunion she had 14 months ago.
Still, others were even more furious at learning standards would apply to them.
Col. Jeff Mankowitz, a member of the Joint Staff’s J7 Joint Training and Exercising division, was considering seeking legal counsel over the DoD’s decision to boot him, simply because he hasn’t taken a physical fitness test in “like, about, maybe, like a decade?”
"This is total bullshit. I have a medical waiver for irritable bowel syndrome,” said Mankowitz while enjoying his second Qdoba burrito in the 3rd corridor food court. “I’m so stressed about all this, I want to hit Baskin Robbins before my next meeting, but it’s all the way over in 7th corridor, and my scooter is low on batteries, ugh.”
Mankowitz added: “This is all about deployability? I deployed twice this year! Right after my [temporary duty assignment] to Oahu, I had that 30 day pump in [U.S. Central Command], and yeah, it was at CENTCOM HQ in Tampa, but technically being 'at' CENTCOM, counts as being 'in' CENTCOM. Besides, the J7's bowling team shirts just came in. They say 'beltway bandits' on them and everything!"
When reached for comment, representatives from the Office of the Secretary of Defense hinted that the new policy would not affect every service-member in the building.
“We realized the new policy would cull the staff here down to almost nothing," said Pentagon spokeswoman Dana White. "But then we came across an old manpower efficiency report from the McNamara days, and it turns out, 93% of the people in this building are useless anyway, so for the time being, the day-to-day will be handled by a platoon of Marines directly led by Secretary Mattis who will communicate with them via knife hand, intense glares, and telepathy. We expect productivity to increase ten-fold."
At press time, however, sources confirmed the Pentagon would be sold to Amazon to house its new secondary headquarters and that a veteran's hiring fair would be held in the courtyard, which would include free donuts and preferred seating to the first 17,000 "medically undeployable" people.
Grumpy, our grumpy former editor, contributed reporting.