ARLINGTON, VA - In a surprise move that has caught many service-members off guard, the Pentagon announced plans to sell the rights to Afghanistan to the Walt Disney Corporation for $4.05 Billion.

"We have attempted to make Afghanistan the happiest place on earth and simply haven't gotten the job done," said Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta in a statement today. "After months of private talks however, I am pleased to announce that we reached an agreement with the Disney Corporation in turning Afghanistan around. I swore that before I left this department, we would truly invest in the future of Afghanistan. Today, I'm making good on that promise."

"We have an opportunity to make Afghanistan a sustainable franchise," said Robert Iger, Chief Executive Officer at Disney at the signing ceremony. "We know it's been rough going, but we've consulted with our top imagineers at Disney and written a treatment for a strategy of where we go from here."

Iger went on to explain that the deal means that as of 2014, Disney will assume full responsibility for operations inside Afghanistan. This will include the conversion of Bagram Air Force Base into the new Central Asia Disneyland featuring rides like "Inside Attacker Funhouse" and "Child Princess Wedding Palace" and of course launch crossover films like the planned release of "Afghantasia" in summer 2015, which will further promote stability in the troubled country.