BOB WILSON NAVAL HOSPITAL, Calif. — After decades of research and development, Naval scientists say they are within reach of a cure for Butthurt Disease, more commonly known as BHD.
"With BHD the rectum gets so inflamed it essentially swallows the rest of the body, making that person an actual, giant asshole," said lead researcher Doctor Yvette Diaz. "Thus, the puckered frowny-face and shitty attitude."
According to sources at the Center for Disease Control, BHD is highly contagious and does not discriminate among the ranks, affecting nine out of ten military members throughout their enlistments, often repeatedly.
In March of 2013 the Department of Defense began awarding Purple Hearts for the most severe cases, as the disease left skid-marks all over the psyche of countless troops. The award highlighted the issue and kicked the search for a cure into high hear.
Bob Wilson Naval Hospital landed several key research grants and were also helped by fundraising events. Now in its third year, the Camp Pendleton 10k to Battle Butthurt has been a top contributor by raising awareness, taking donations and offering free butthurt screenings.
"This is my first year," said Lance Cpl. Kerry Logan from the starting line last Saturday. "I'm running for Pfc. Randy Denton. He booked a suite in Vegas for last Fourth of July's ninety-six and even had tickets to see the Blue Man Group, and then our platoon sergeant got a DUI and our libo was taken away."
"He hasn't been the same ever since," Logan said. "Honestly, BHD nearly took out our whole unit that weekend. It was horrible."
Doctors are hoping stories like that will be in the past as they enter the final stretch of clinical trials and await FDA approval.
"Right now the only relief is a DD-214," said Diaz. "And that's no longer enough as our nation's veterans show symptoms of BHD on Facebook walls and comment sections across the internet. The situation is critical, but this cure shines a light of hope out of the dark, gaping hole of despair."