DoD Combines All The Nutjobs Into New Super Unit
WASHINGTON — The Defense Department unveiled a new, uniquely equipped, special-operations-capable unit formed for the specific purpose of combating the global ISIS threat at a recent Pentagon press briefing this week.
Known as Force Omicron, the unit is comprised of all the crazies, conspiracy theorists, ninjas, alien abductees, and suspected serial killers normally spread throughout the ranks of the regular armed forces.
"Their unusual abilities make them ideally suited for this very special force of operators," Pentagon Spokesman Col. Steve Warren told reporters. "Usually every unit has a couple of them, and they drive everyone nuts. By combining them into this single organization, we have the ability to use them to drive America's enemies nuts instead."
Army Pvt. Jimmy Driscol was recruited half way through basic training after revealing his father had been with the CIA, taking him on summer boat trips to conduct ninja training. He is capable of turning himself invisible but admits, "It only works on less aware beings like deer or other privates."
"It doesn't work on strong-willed creatures," admits Driscol. "There are resistant species like bears and drill sergeants."
Marine Staff Sgt. Bill Stephens is one of the few actual Jedi masters in Force Omicron. He was able to verify this as it is annotated on his ID tags. He claims he was recruited after using the Force to protect Okinawa during typhoon season.
"As a young Marine I tended to use my Jedi powers selfishly," said Stephens. "'Working party?' This is not the Marine you are looking for."
Many members of this elite organization led adventurous lives or had successful careers prior to joining.
Lance Cpl. Leonard "Double Oh" Fontenot is a former stunt car driver, rodeo clown, and hired gunman for the New Orleans mob. Meanwhile, his bunkmate Pfc. Abram O'Brian speaks 20 languages, lived in Tibet as a monk, learned kung-fu in North Korea, and earned his bones fighting against the Irish Republican Army (IRA) in the UK.
Pvt. Edward Juarez reported to his first unit right out of basic sporting Ranger, Airborne, Air Assault, and SF tabs and badges. Immediately recognizing his talent, Juarez's company commander leader fast-tracked him to Force Omicron.
"Anyone capable of completing that level of training right out of basic is very special indeed," said Juarez's former CO, Capt. William Gardner. "Soldiers like him are value added to the war on terror and we didn't want to limit his potential."
Unit chaplain Lt. Katie Voss, a self-proclaimed Druid, brings a spell casting component most Special Operations units lack.
Despite their vast experience and unusual abilities, learning and honing new skills is critical to the success of the innovative new unit. Forty year old National Guard Sgt. Blaine Hamilton stressed the importance of hip pocket classes and continuous training while teaching new Omicron recruits how to line their helmets and soft covers with tinfoil.
"You never know who your enemy may be," said Hamilton. "Aliens could be reading our minds in preparation for their invasion. That or them Chinamen. Either way it's best to be ready just in case."