Pentagon axes GI Bill to offset student debt forgiveness plan

WASHINGTON — The Post-9/11 GI Bill has been formally put on the chopping block in effort to free up funds needed to cover roughly $108 billion worth of student loans being forgiven by the federal government, sources confirmed today.

While millions of debt-saddled young college graduates breathed a sigh of relief, the Department of Defense announced that as of January 1, 2018, the GI Bill will be no more – meaning service members and veterans alike will have to cough up their own money for higher education.

The move comes as Congress and student veteran groups had been debating an improvement to the current GI Bill program which would have "taxed" troops out of their paycheck to pay for higher education. Instead, leaders decided to get rid of the entire program in favor of helping everyone except veterans, in keeping with standard operating procedure.

The allure of free college has long been one of the most enticing aspects of military service. However, according to Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, the crippling debt plaguing young post-grad hipsters is simply more important right now than providing support to returning veterans.

“I appreciate the military and all they do," she said. “Be that as it may, the 22-year-olds myself and the federal government are really concerned about are those being swallowed up by their Stanford and Northwestern educations, not the ones shaving their heads and chasing skirt in Orange County.”

This move will no doubt be met with resistance by both active military members and veterans alike. Protests are expected in Washington and throughout the country, but the DoD’s message is clear: Drink water.

Pauline Abernathy, executive vice president at The Institute of College Access and Success, believes without the GI Bill, veterans are not much different than someone fresh out of high school – just older and more susceptible to laziness.

“It’s impossible to properly calculate just how valuable the GI Bill has been to veterans driven for success,” she said. “Once it’s gone, I’m afraid all we’ll be left with is jobless, unwashed drunks endlessly mooching their buddies for PBR and weed. It really is a shame.”