DoD awards $89 billion contract for top-secret weapons system to fight sexual harassment

Raytheon used focus groups of service members with a great deal of experience in managing women's complaints to design a pilot program. (Photo: U.S. Air Force)

THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has awarded an $89 billion contract to build a new top-secret weapons system to eliminate sexual harassment, sources confirmed today.

“Eliminating sexual harassment from our ranks is our number one priority,” said Pentagon spokesman Jonathan Hoffman. “It should be resourced as such. We are going to use the same ferocity and technological superiority that brought us American classics like the Littoral Combat Ship and the F-35 to eliminate near-peer sexual harassment threats.”

After years of research, investigations, sworn statements, think tank visits, focus groups, and consulting, the Pentagon has contracted with Raytheon to lead the project. An experienced group of male baby boomer retired O-6s will oversee the project under the watchful eye of retired Army Gen. Warvey Heinstein.

“We expect the project to take about 15 years and just as many congressional districts,” Heinstein told Duffel Blog. “But this isn’t a fight we can lose. In an era of Great Power Competition, the nation with the greatest will to fight sexual harassment gets the first-mover advantage.”

According to defense officials, live-fire sexual harassment scenarios have already been added to the Navy’s ‘Rim of the Pacific’ and the Army’s Combat Training Center exercises. But it might take years for the reserve components to be fielded the same quality of sexual harassment prevention, officials said.

“We’re continuing to maintain readiness and build sexual harassment lethality in a global strategic environment,” said Hoffman.

Boeing, which filed a competing bid on the contract and was recently awarded a $136 billion award for the Next Generation Anti-Suicide Common Operating System, declined to comment.

Story written by BlondesOverBaghdad. AndieDiGianni, As for Class, and Taco McGibblets contributed reporting.


You may have noticed this looks different than what you’ve seen in the past. Instead of a short blurb, you’re getting the entire story right here in your inbox or on the web. That’s because Duffel Blog has transitioned from a website to an email newsletter. We are asking readers to subscribe for a little more than $1 per week.

This is our first dispatch. It has no ads, popups, or annoying calls to “Click here to learn this one WEIRD trick!” Why? Well, times are tough in digital media, even more so for a tiny operation like Duffel Blog. Advertising rates have plummeted on the web, and social media companies have throttled our content, making it increasingly difficult for loyal readers like you to see our articles.

So we are cutting out the Zuckerberg-Dorsey social media-industrial complex and turning directly to our readers and asking you to support Duffel Blog — preserving the American military’s most-trusted news source and making sure the laughs keep coming for the men and women in uniform, veterans, and their friends and family.

Your support will help pay our team of military veteran writers and help us write even more high-quality satire. And paying subscribers can join our community in the comments and will eventually get behind-the-scenes access to Duffel Blog staff and invites to live virtual events.

So if you value what we do, please support us in our mission. Thank you.

Support Duffel Blog today

From the Duffel Blog archives …

Military absentee ballots delivered one day late, would have swung election for Romney

By Drew Mack — Nov. 7, 2012

WASHINGTON, DC – Sources confirmed today that hundreds of thousands of military absentee ballots were delivered hours after the deadline to be counted, with preliminary counts showing that they would have overturned the vote in several states and brought a victory for Gov. Mitt Romney.

Officials say the ballots were delivered late due to problems within the military mail system. Tracking invoices show the ballots sat in a warehouse for a month, then they were accidentally labeled as ammunition and shipped to Afghanistan. At Camp Dwyer, Marine Sgt. John Davis signed for them and was surprised at the contents.

“I told Gunny we got a bunch of ballots instead of ammo,” Davis told investigators earlier today.  “He told me to file a report of improper delivery and that the chain of command would take care of it.  We didn’t hear anything for three weeks.  While we were waiting we came under fire so we dumped a bunch of them in the Hescoes. We didn’t dig those ones back out.”

After military officials realized the initial error, the ballots were then sent back to the United States but suffered a series of setbacks.

Twelve boxes of ballots were dropped overboard during delivery to the USS Kearsarge (LHD-3) in the Persian Gulf, then, while the ship sailed to Bahrain, postal clerks allegedly pocketed whatever ballots they wanted.

The remaining absentee ballots were loaded onto a C-130 cargo aircraft, but the flight was delayed until Nov. 1st so the crew could get tax free pay for the month.  Once the ballots arrived stateside, they were promptly mailed to each state’s counting facility and reached their final destination on Nov. 7.

“It’s a shame,” Navy Rear Adm. John Dawes said when asked for comment. “I expected a delay so I ordered that everyone cast their votes eight months ago. It’s really unfortunate that our mail system failed us and directly affected the course of history.”

Upon hearing the news, angry Republicans have demanded a recount, but most military absentee voters have shrugged off the news, with many wondering whether the care packages their families sent six months ago were ever going to show up.