THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has awarded an $89 billion contract to build a new top-secret weapons system to eliminate sexual harassment, sources confirmed today.

“Eliminating sexual harassment from our ranks is our number one priority,” said Pentagon spokesman Jonathan Hoffman. “It should be resourced as such. We are going to use the same ferocity and technological superiority that brought us American classics like the Littoral Combat Ship and the F-35 to eliminate near-peer sexual harassment threats.”

After years of research, investigations, sworn statements, think tank visits, focus groups, and consulting, the Pentagon has contracted with Raytheon to lead the project. An experienced group of male baby boomer retired O-6s will oversee the project under the watchful eye of retired Army Gen. Warvey Heinstein.