DoD Releases Intercepts of New ISIS ‘Help’ Line

LANGLEY, Va. — The Central Intelligence Agency today released transcripts of conversations intercepted on the so-called “Terror Help Line” between ISIS agents in the field and tech support in Syria.

In one conversation the support agent is heard saying, “Salaam aleikum and death to the infidel,” before advising the caller that their conversation “may be recorded for training or propaganda purposes,” and asking how he can help.

The agent responds, “I’m underneath the stage at a large sporting event and my suicide vest won’t detonate” in a tone analysts described as “testy.” While many security analysts were concerned about the identity of the terrorist target, help-line industry experts have applauded the ISIS technician’s professionalism.

“First let me apologize for any trouble you're having today,” the technician says. “May I ask you a few questions to better assist you?”

“What? Sure, go ahead. It’s really loud down here,” the unknown agent shouts.

The technician goes on to list a series of common problems found in suicide bombs, asking if the battery is connected to the detonator, or if the blasting cap has come loose from the main charge.

When the bomber, clearly under stress, begins to shout and curse at the help line operator, he manages to calm the man down and help him complete his mission.

“Don’t talk to me like I’m some [expletive deleted] 11 year old chai-boy,” the agent screams. “I was building pressure plates in Iraq before you got your first pair of sandals!”

Notes indicate that the technician used a "soothing voice" when he replied, "There’s no need for insults, sir. And thank you for your service. I know this isn’t your first attack, but with my help we’ll make sure it’s your last. Now if you’ll just calm down I’ll have you in Paradise shortly."

When the technician asks if there is any debris or liquid blocking the trigger connection to the batteries, the agent responds that there is something.

"Now I remember," the bomber says. "I spilled some coffee this morning. Ha. I completely forgot about it.”

The technician replies, "No problem, sir. Happens to the best of us. Just scrape off the [unintelligible] and you should be good to go," before asking if the agent needs any further assistance.

The agent responds, "No, you’ve been a big help. Allahu Akbar!" before there is a sound of an explosion and then what the analysts call "sounds of chaos."

According to intelligence sources, this particular bombing was a failure, as the agent succeeded in killing only himself and a team mascot who had slipped under the seats for a smoke.