THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has found a creative solution to the ongoing budget crisis created by sequestration, using a clever personnel policy change, officials announced this week. By hiring more women and promoting them to senior leadership roles traditionally held by men, the department can pay them 73 cents on the dollar, with men making nearly 37% more.
“We met with Silicon Valley executives last year and they told us that they underpay all of their female employees to help reduce personnel costs,” Secretary of Defense Ash Carter claimed explained. “I couldn't believe they've gotten away with it for so long, but I'm ready for the military to follow suit.”
Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus had previously resisted the integration of women into combat roles in the Marine Corps. After reviewing the economic benefits he has fully endorsed Carter's plan.
“It is 2016 and women are still paid 21 percent less than men on average,” Mabus declared. “The solution is clear. We must replace as many men as possible.”
Defense officials hoped to divert female attention away from the pay-gap by announcing expanded maternity leave last week. The department is also counting on the flawed design and functionality of military finance websites to prevent females from discovering the extent of the pay disparity, according to a currently-serving Marine Corps Commandant who requested anonymity.
White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest praised the department for their cost-saving measures in a briefing.
“We hope the DOD continues to pursue unorthodox options to save taxpayer money," Earnest told reporters.
"Maybe we could even try to find a female Secretary of Defense,” he added before bursting into uncontrollable laughter.
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