THE PENTAGRAM — In the wake of a recently released report showing a three percent increase in reported sexual assaults across the military last year, the Pentagon issued a statement vowing immediate action: All annual sexual assault prevention training will have at least double the number of slides in them starting next year.

“We must address this particularly heinous level of crime,” said Gen. Thomas Pinkerton, a Pentagon spokesman. “More slides should do the trick.”

“Also, maybe some more role playing in groups,” he added.

The announcement, made during a teleconference with military leaders from all branches, drew some surprising resistance.

“We realize that sexual assault in our armed forces is intolerable, and that it undermines the military’s ability to complete our mission,” said one base commander. “But longer training? You have any idea how dull that is?”

“We can’t afford to take half measures,” Pinkerton responded. “Thirty percent of women serving this nation have reportedly been assaulted at least once, and 70 percent have been harassed. Plus we’re only now getting our arms around how many men have faced this kind of crime.”

“Drastically increasing the number of slides each service member has to click through once per year is the right thing to do.”

This latest report continues a five-year trend in increased claims of sexual assault and harassment. When asked if there were any proactive plans to challenge a culture that promotes secrecy and protection of sexual assaults while also pressuring silence from victims, the general became annoyed.

“Let’s not go crazy,” said Pinkerton. “I mean, this is serious. But—come on.”