Dog, Veteran fight over places to hide during fireworks

WATERFORD, Mich. — As millions of freedom-loving Americans anxiously await Independence Day and the fireworks that celebrate it, veterans like Greg Trotter are reportedly busy gearing up to fight his service dog over the best hiding places in his three bedroom Waterford home.

“I know that selfish fleabag will go straight for the choice places, like under the poncho liner on my bed,” Trotter told reporters while wearing an “I’m Just Here For the Violence” t-shirt. “But this year I will be prepared.”

Trotter, who served two years as a finance clerk from 2014 to 2016 and deployed to Qatar for six months, is already compiling a mental list of places that his three-year old Labrador retreiver, Shemagh, will seek out when his neighbors “unleash hell” this July 4th.

Much like having a plan to “kill everyone you meet,” Trotter insists veterans need to have a plan to “hide from every firework on [your] street.”

“I thought of every possible scenario with secondary and tertiary locations,” continued Trotter. “Whether Shemagh pisses on the carpet under the dining room table or I get wedged behind the couch and can’t get out like last year, I will be ready.”

Trotter added that he “totally could have gotten out” if it wasn’t for his undisclosed service-related disability, which he said also caused him to gain 75 pounds in the last two years and alienate most of his family and friends, save his girlfriend of two years, Gina Trudeau.

“We try to be mindful of Greg’s ‘burden,’ which he reminds us about almost daily,” said Trudeau. “We also try to eliminate all loud noises, but it never seems to be quiet enough to keep his PTSD at bay.”

Trudeau says that everyday sounds that we all take for granted, such as lawnmowers, leaf blowers, vacuum cleaners, and dishwashers, often send Trotter into a catatonic state.

“His condition is so debilitating that he can’t even tolerate the sound of clicking on the mouse when applying for a job,” said Trudeau. “It’s the price of freedom I suppose.”

Trudeau hopes that one day Trotter will overcome his trauma and assimilate back into society. Until then, she says she is hopeful that his weekly trips to the gun range and therapeutic chainsaw ice sculpting brings him the tranquility he needs to heal.