DOGE vows to reduce Pentagon to Triangle

"The DoD is no longer an oversized bureaucracy. Instead, it will be an obtuse bureaucracy with sharp angles.”

WASHINGTON — The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has unveiled its bold plan to reduce the Pentagon’s iconic five-sided structure into a more efficient and streamlined triangle, sources confirmed today. Yet the decision, hailed as a geometric marvel of cost-saving by DOGE officials, has ignited fierce backlash from defense insiders and civil servants alike.

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“The Pentagon has been the face of inefficiency for far too long,” said DOGE spokesperson Mike McLintock, addressing reporters in the White House briefing room. “By literally cutting corners, we’re saving money while sending a clear message to the American taxpayer that the Department of Defense is no longer an oversized bureaucracy. Instead, it will be an obtuse bureaucracy with sharp angles.”

McLintock further explained that the structural reconfiguration would save an estimated $300 billion over the next decade, and those funds will be redirected toward other key government initiatives, such as developing the Department of Overwhelmingly Complicated Acronyms (DOCA).

The controversial plan has already led to the shutdown of the Colonel Lost Identity Program Support Office (CLIPSO), a one-trick pony program tasked with helping retired colonels remember who they are, what they do, and why they continue to attend meetings as government civilians.

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“This is the worst use of cuts since my failed vasectomy,” said the CLIPSO Director Edward D. Baggio. “Without CLIPSO, the egos of retired colonels in government service will be significantly hurt.”

Baggio added that CLIPSO’s abrupt closure would create a ripple effect, leading to more PowerPoint slides and even longer acronym-filled emails as retired colonels scramble to justify their existence in the absence of clear guidance.

Critics of the DOGE initiative argue that the Pentagon already struggles with overcrowding, inefficiency, and a culture of mandatory innovation.

“There are more people in this building than at a Scientology orgy,” said Rep. Roger Furlough, Vice Chairman of the House Armed Services Committee. “Trust me from experience, the vibe is just as awkward, but it can be fun.”

When asked about the potential impact of reducing the building’s size, DOGE officials dismissed concerns, citing a recent study that found most Pentagon employees don’t actually know where they’re going.

“The triangle will simplify everything,” said McLintock. “We’ll cut three hallways, 17 conference rooms, and one entire food court.”