Listen Guys, I Have The Perfect Solution To This Iraq Thing

By Donald Rumsfeld

Ever since President Barack Obama took over, we've seen the Middle East become completely and utterly destabilized. From Iraq to Syria to Afghanistan, this president has watched as the region has gone up in flames.

It's just been really sad to see, especially when I saw firsthand what a stable and flourishing Middle East could actually look like. When I left my position as defense secretary in 2006, Iraqis — with a love for democracy just like our founding fathers — were refreshing the tree of liberty with the blood of practically everyone, not just tyrants.

At least four or five Iraqis were optimistic about their future, while the so-called elites in our country constantly talked up bad news.

And then Obama came in, and all hell broke loose.

Terrorists have taken over Iraq once again. We know where they are, in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat.

And by God, what happens if these terrorists use nuclear weapons? That's not a world I want to live in.

Now, I didn't say they had nuclear weapons of course, but absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. They could have them. I mean, we just don't know.

Anyway, listen up guys. I have the perfect solution to this whole Iraq thing.

While our president wants to just sit on his hands, we need to do what everyone knows we should do: Send in too few American troops in unarmored vehicles to fight in a country we don't understand.

Now I know what you're thinking: Secretary Rumsfeld, who can we rely on to right the ship? Who has the expertise to fix this terrible problem in Iraq?

Was that actually your question? Were you asking who has the military expertise or who is actually an expert on the Middle East from a policy standpoint?

Because that's really a poorly-worded question.

If I were advising the president today, I would recommend we go back in there and hunt down these terrorists. It's just that simple. The only way to defend against terrorists is to go after them. We must stay on the offensive and remain engaged, because history has of course shown that radical Islamists eventually stop fighting if we just wait them out.

So let's get back in there. Attrition is the mission. Like I always say, we need to act first, plan later.

Donald Rumsfeld is an American politician and businessman. He served as the 13th Secretary of Defense from 1975 to 1977 under President Gerald Ford, and as the 21st Secretary of Defense from 2001 to 2006 under President George W. Bush. He's best known for writing about 40,000 memos only Errol Morris would be insane enough to read, and for forging the "strategy" behind Operation: Enduring Clusterfuck and Operation: Iraqi Shitshow.