The following Opinion article was written by an Anonymous Former President of the United States of America.
I read with great dismay, upsetness, and frowny faces an editorial in the New York Times by a sitting Senator calling for active duty military to be used to do racism against peaceful protesters, who are just acting out against systemic bigotry by stealing and burning things. This is wrong: It cannot get any wronger. As I used to say before I pretended to “evolve” to support gay marriage in order to get the liberal vote, it’s as wrong as two boys fucking.
You should not use active duty military against United States citizens. You should use drones to murder them, like I did when I was serving as your Forty-[coughth] anonymous President.
O, the times we had, my remora-like aides who first helped me get elected by stealing and leaking sealed divorce proceedings of my opponent in Chicago and I, joking and rollicking as I paged through the binders of my “kill list,” and we selected the American citizens to murder without judicial approval that day. It makes me laughter. <Humor subroutine /off.>
As I watch the various extremely peaceful protesters righteously murder another public safety officer, burgle a Target, or bludgeon an old woman in a wheelchair, I can’t help but think, we should not be using Army troops against these noble activists. The use of Army troops against advocates of progress is morally bad and legally tricky.
It would be much easier to do as I did: JDAM their asses with an MQ-9 drone flying above the cloud cover. As I always say: Ask not for whom the drone drones; it drones for thee.
Drones are useful not just for the extrajudicial murder of American citizens, they’re also good for keeping up with your Jamaican mistress that your wife insisted you cut ties with when you became a national figure. They can track your delivery driver when he’s bringing you your order from Grub Burger Bar. (Their Kitchen Sink milkshake is good enough to make you order the ATF to give assault rifles to Mexican cartels to foment support for gun control!) Drones can also talk to you at night when it gets lonely in your room. My anonymous wife doesn’t always want to have talks late at night when I wake up on the top level of our bunk bed. So sometimes I just dial up a drone and he can talk to me until I fall asleep again.
As an Anonymous but Extremely Smart and Very Respected former President, I am calling for all public leaders to speak out against the use of active duty military against American citizens, and to use drones instead.