THE SQUAREAGON – The Department of Defense will cutting the Pentagon into a square to comply with budget cuts, according to sources close to Defense Secretary Ashton Carter. The Army Corps of Engineers will begin construction this summer, in accordance with cost-reduction policies mandated by Congress.

“Look, those Congressional asshats ordered us to reduce our headquarters by 20 percent,” Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Joseph Dunford explained. “So I am complying and making my headquarters into a perfect square.”

“Eat it, McCain!”

Officers affected by the reduction are not taking the adjustment well, sources report. “We had to get rid of our sex dungeon,” the G 3/5/7 Army Operations and Plan office protested in an e-mail. “Our interns also no longer have a place to work, due to the sex dungeon closure.”

Demolition will begin next month, and the removed section will be sent to Iraq. Officials cited a need to construct a new “non-combat operations center” to keep up with the escalating “non-operations” in the country.

But DoD leadership announced one upside this morning: “Look people, we’re doing everyone a favor,” Pentagon spokesman Peter Cook added. “These fat-bodied tourists can’t walk the length of a pentagon anyways.”