North Korea executes, trains new rocket scientists
PYONGYANG — North Korean plans to train a new crop of rocket scientists soon after it executes its current cadre following its next failed ballistic missile launch, sources confirmed today.
Dear Leader Kim Jong Un, who according to sources, was born of a dragonfly and a double rainbow, has demanded that his scientists and researchers sacrifice their utmost to create the capability to annihilate the rest of the world.
In keeping with this order, Pyongyang recruiters have conducted wide-ranging searches of the nation for the least nutrient-deprived minds, in order to form a new scientific cohort that can master the basics of nuclear physics and rocket propulsion.
"Only the hardest working coal miners and rice farmers will be chosen for our elite government work teams," said spokesman Il Suk Yeo.
"Once they are identified, they are taken away to a secret government laboratory where they are fed a substantial meal of white rice. Then they are given an aptitude test with questions on anything from the Dear Leader's non-existent bowel movements to the purity of the North Korean race."
Once the all-encompassing battery of tests is concluded, the graduates are given a new uniform, complete with three pounds of awards and medals, before moving onto rocket science training, which includes watching the film "The Right Stuff" before their final test has them launching a two-liter soda bottle into the Sea of Japan.
The remainder are dragged out and shot as a matter of national security, sources said.
"The selectees have two weeks to read all of the books that Dear Leader himself wrote about ballistic missile trajectory, propulsion, and payload delivery before the next anticipated launch," Yeo said. "And if that launch is not a Japanese crushing success, then the current scientists will be sacrificed for Dear Leader and our prospects here will become fully vetted, nuclear physicists."