Drill Sergeant awarded NCO of the year for not having sex with trainees

FORT LEONARD WOOD — The Army's competition for Non-Commissioned Officer of the year came to an end today after a grueling process, when the personal records review revealed only one competitor had not had sex with any of his trainees. The Army announced that Sergeant First Class Daniel Mason won the coveted title of NCO of the year, as well as Drill Sergeant of the Year by default.

After two weeks of intense physical and mental challenges, Mason was neck and neck with his competition, but the last phase ended with a clear cut victory for the non-commissioned officer.

"It was an easy decision in the end" said Sgt. Maj. Robert Callahan. "To have that much tactical and technical knowledge without sleeping with his trainees is simply astounding."

"I'm ecstatic right now" said Mason. "This competition has taken everything I have to win, and to think I won because I didn't bone any of those shitheads is amazing."

Callahan and fellow board members have already begun planning next year's competition and have decided to begin the competition by reviewing personal records.

"Hopefully we can clean out the abusive pervs early on. Who knows, maybe there won't even be a competition at that point" Callahan said.

Mason was awarded the Army Commendation Medal for his victory as well as a multitude of excellence coins from senior leaders who were impressed with his ability to not abuse his position of power for personal sexual gratification.

Next year's competition is scheduled for late February, so remember, guys and gals, keep it in your pants.