Drone Pilots Overwhelmingly Support US Release Of Five High-Value Targets
BAGRAM AIRFIELD — Following the release of five high-ranking Taliban operatives in exchange for American prisoner of war Bowe Bergdahl two weeks ago, Air Force drone pilots have since been collectively champing at the bit, and according to several sources, are only “two Monsters and a Doritos binge” shy of working themselves into a “click-and-kill” frenzy.
With the drawdown in Afghanistan and surgical airstrikes fewer and further between, numerous drone pilots told reporters they enthusiastically approve of the Taliban detainee release. Many have lamented the lull in action and expressed a desire to return to the “good ol’ days downrange.”
“Nyah, listen here, nyah,” said Capt. Jeb Jacobs, slurping a glistening, six-inch string of drool back into his mouth, “I didn’t join up just to sit around in some chair all day!”
Jacobs, a Level 86 Blood Elf, then excused himself to resume a particularly arduous quest, explaining the importance of “stretching the legs and getting out and about in the World [of Warcraft].”
Sources at Bagram confirmed that upon news of the controversial prisoner exchange, drone pilots flooded the local MWR office in droves, seeking to purchase hunting tags in advance of Taliban season, a limited window of opportunity decreed only by the Commander-in-Chief. A dedicated 4chan forum has provided a haven where pilots aspiring to claim one of the coveted high-value targets can dispel rumors, swap embellished anecdotes, troll and Rickroll one another.
“You daggone right we ain’t gonna just sit around!” whooped Capt. Leroy Schaffer, barging in and knocking over his brimming spitter, excitedly waving a pair of red hunting tags. “We’s a gonna hunt us some Tal-EE-ban! Yee-yee!”
After several minutes of authentic backwoods gibberish and intermittent whoops and hollers, Jacobs and Schaffer broke out celebratory Monsters and shotgunned the energy drinks in each other’s faces.
“I’ve got a ragin’ freedom boner,” declared Jacobs.
“Me, too,” concurred Schaffer. “Let’s go wait for the Warden [Obama] to call.”